Let Go // Throw Blessings

Being real is not for the faint of heart, I'll tell ya that much. Being vulnerable has it's consequences. Publicizing your innermost thoughts and struggles for the world to see is like volunteering yourself for some sort of Hunger Games- except worse. Some people will take advantage of your vulnerability. Some will relentlessly make sport of your honesty. People will criticize you. And then criticize you some more.

But then others will be real right back with you. And that's what makes all the criticism worth it. 

Since publishing my last post, Once Upon A Time, I've had a myriad of individuals ask me the same question in a million different words, "What if I'm not ready to let go? What if I'm not ready to move on?" 

So to all of my readers that are real and honest right back with me, looking to me for some magical word to make it all better, this is what I have to say:

Words fail. 

Being a writer, I really struggled with that after my breakup. Like, really. Words are my solution for everything. But moments after the breakup, I fell into my couch, breathed out a heavy, devastated sigh of I-don't-even-know-what, and gazed at my aunt, completely dumbfounded, waiting for some wise morsel of truth to exit her mouth that would somehow heal me instantaneously. 

That didn't happen. 

She simply kneeled down at my feet, looked up at me, shook her head, and cried with me. There were no words exchanged. Just a room deafened by the sound of tears. The next day I sat in the lobby outside of a work conference and let out a few tears on the city bench when suddenly my best friend peered around the corner, took a seat next to me, and took part in shepherding the mass exodus of tears from my body. Then yet again, two days later, I woke up to my sister sitting next to me on my bed. She didn't have to say anything at all. (I just knew she was begging for an encore of my tears. ;) And my tears surely did not disappoint.) With one look from my sweet sister, they were dancing down my cheeks yet again. And yet again, I looked up into the face of someone that loves me, and found her crying alongside of me as well.

I was expecting all three of those women to join in the anthem with the rest of the world and chant boldly and loudly at me, "Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. He's not worth your tears." But that's not what the response I got from them. Because each one of these women have had their fair share of heartbreak warfare. They know that letting go is not something you can decide immediately, but rather a process that you arrive to, solely on the basis of you and the Lord's own sweet timing. 

So my advice to you: You don't have to let him go. You don't have to let him go until you are ready to, and until you feel the grace to.

I did all of the basics. I got rid of his Facebook. I deleted his number. I got rid of his clothing. But if someone tells you those are the ways to let someone go, don't listen. It's not true. Those are just the introductory steps to an instruction book that doesn't exist. The real work is how you're going to sew a new song out of all the broken music notes inside of you. 

Do what you gotta do to make it through, sweetheart. Be gentle with yourself. Don't rip yourself from it all too quickly. Take your time and soon enough, I promise you that your fists will grow tired from all the clenching and you'll let it go. It will happen naturally. It will happen melodically. 

When I loved him, when I really loved him with my whole frame and being, I wanted the world for him. I wanted laughter. I wanted joy. I wanted success. I wanted everything he wanted since he was a little boy. A heartbreak happened. Two people changing. Life throwing around unfavorable circumstances- but those should never be the things that make us stop wanting goodness for someone we once loved with our whole heart. That's childish. 

Eventually you'll be ready to clear out all the space in your mind that's being used to obsess over this guy. It might take a month, it might take a year. But sooner or later you'll come to a place where you realize that YOU get to decide if you want to be the empty cup that needs refilling or the full pitcher that overflows into all the other cups. People will muster up their best breakup advice, wrap it up, and give it to you nicely. But the real secret in letting go is this: To let things go, really let them go, open up your hands and bless others by the fistful.

"Your fists clenching rocks of what-used-to-be eventually defeats the purpose of two hands that were created to throw blessings in barren places."

I know there is something glittering and dazzling inside of you that wants to kick down the walls that you put up and let others in. I think you should go with that. I think you should go with the God-given dream within you to be a blessing to others in the midst of your pain. Channel your tears to heal others. I believe in a God that uses our tears for a harvest. He lets us use our pain to make a feast for someone else. Don't wait for the sadness to clear to be a blessing to someone else. You'll miss out on today. 

When I finally opened up my hands, it was all there waiting for me. And I pictured that boy- the one I loved with all of my heart- and I pictured him smiling. Because he had a great smile. And I stopped regretting how we broke. Because look at me now. I'm standing taller than ever. I'm more stretched and brilliant, and whole than I ever was before. And because of him, my hands throw blessings in barren places. 

Open up your hands, baby doll. The world is waiting.

Cassandra

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend. And once upon a time, it was wonderful, beautiful, magical, pure, and so innocent. I thought our relationship was "breakup proof". I thought we were somehow immune to ever breaking up. I thought this fairytale was one that would certainly pass the test of time.

Well, what I thought could never happen, happened. In a flash. In a blur. In an unreal, "pinch me, I must be dreaming" kind of way. Gone. Done. Game over. It was a surreal moment. I still remember the look on his face, the smell of my freshly cleaned hair, the taste of supreme anxiousness, and the poignant sound of heartbreak. I'm not kidding, people. It was almost as if I could literally hear my heart crack right down the middle. Yet somehow, I held myself together. The breakup didn't take long. Just a simple explanation was sufficient. Almost two years of relationship was ended in the matter of what seemed like two minutes. And then he was gone.

"Breathe, Cassandra."

My sweet friends had to remind me to do that quite a few times for the next several days. It's funny, really, how heartbreak can even physically pain you. I've never gone through a break up, heartbreak, or anything of the sorts, so this is all new territory for me. I was scared to death of losing my once-upon-a-time-boyfriend (I HATE the term "ex-boyfriend" so for now he is deemed my "once-upon-a-time-boyfriend" until someone else comes up with a more endearing term for those previous little lovers of ours). The only thing I knew of breakups is what I had heard from others- which were all horrific, gut-wrenching, sad sob stories. "Great. So this is what I have to look forward to for the next several months. Buckle up, Cass", is what I thought to myself as he uttered the words to me, "So... I think this is over."

I've learned something though.

It doesn't have to be horrific. It doesn't have to be gut-wrenching. It doesn't have to make you sob endlessly for weeks. Ladies, please listen to me. Your breakup has the potential to only make you or break you. There is no middle ground, though. It will either destroy you and obliterate you, or it will empower you and inspire you. And YOU have the power to choose which way you will let it take you- up or down. Up or down, baby. But either way, you're not staying where you are, so make a decision. And make it fast before the decision is made for you and gravity starts violently tugging you down.

I don't know about you, but I thought my breakup would annihilate me. I thought I'd spend the next year of my life sitting on my couch eating chocolates, watching sad love movies, and wondering why the heck I let myself fall in love in the first place. But when push comes to shove, and that moment of heartbreak actually presents itself to you, you find out what you're made of. The cool thing about trials is that they reveal your strength (or lack thereof) in ways that no other circumstance could. It's seasons like this that show you how knit your spirit truly is (or isn't) with Jesus.

The truth of the matter is, if you belong to Jesus and He belongs to you, there is absolutely nothing to fear. No amount of grief is too much to bear if He's there. All questions subside in His presence. All worries die before His face. All injustices are taken care of if laid down at His feet. I remember moments after the breakup, crying aloud to God, "Okay. Here's Your moment to shine. You LITERALLY really are going to have to be more than enough." (As if I thought He didn't follow through on His word...)

And WHOA, did He show up! As sad as heartbreak is, I wouldn't trade this season of my life for anything. It's an oxymoron, really, but walking through this season of heartbreak has been my favorite season of life thus far. I'm learning so much about myself and about The Lord that I don't think I would have learned if He didn't take that relationship from me. I'm learning what it means to be content in every situation; to have joy in the midst of pain; to smile and laugh because life is too short to stay sad; to do things that I've never done before; to love extravagantly because no loss is too much to bear; to make new friends; to enjoy this new intimacy that The Lord offers the brokenhearted; and most of all, to trust with reckless abandon that I have nothing to fear.

So, girls, no more sitting on the couch eating ice cream trying to ease the pain. No more sitting and thinking for hours, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. No more comparing yourself to every other girl your ex ever talks to again. No more timidity or fear of falling in love again. Stand up, beautiful girl, and turn your gaze to Jesus. The promises and life He offers you in this time SO FAR OUTWEIGH any amount of pain you feel right now. Get up. Go dance. Go sing. Go find things to be thankful for, cause they're there. And once you find them, and once you start outwardly giving thanks and training your mind to only think of those things which are "pure, lovely, admirable, and true" (Phil. 4:8), you will find that this breakup may have been the best thing to ever happen to you.